Blue Christmas. I mean, Christmas’ Blue

So, I finally blog again. What a surprise.

Haha. Actually I was actually trying to type out a Facebook status, but I forgot what I wanted to type. Then I start to type out some things that were running through my mind, and end up back spacing all of it.

So, here I am. I thought why not blog.

I was really thinking just now. It’s almost Christmas day. This year, we are not really celebrating Christmas in a grand way like we do every year, in honor of my grandma who recently passed away. But that doesn’t mean I totally ignore the meaning and presence of Christmas. This year’s Christmas or rather this year’s Advent’s season have got me into a serious thinking of what kind of Catholic I am.

I went to confession the other day, unprepared. So I thought, let’s just get this over with. Go to father, tell him some of my sins and then be forgiven. Ha! Sounds like a good plan to me. Cuz I was hungry that night. But then, when I went in line, I kept thinking of what’s appropriate to tell the priest. I suddenly come to realisation, although lately I put off that I really don’t care much about my obligation as a Catholic anymore, I am still a Catholic. I still feel that feeling. I still have that burning desire to get to know my Lord. I still have that fear. Fear of my Lord.

So, as I was in line, I was already confessing to the Lord, in my heart, of course. I told Him, I am truly sorry for all my sins, to prepare me to really confess to the priest and help me be sincere in telling him. So, when I faced the priest, I just poured out my sins that I really feel bad about. Things that I didn’t even listed in my mind prior to confessing also came up and I just blurt every single one that ran through my mind. And as I listened to the priest’s advice, I really looked back on my life. How the hell did I change from that “good boy” that became the president of the Catholic Student Society of my campus, into someone who don’t even give a damn about going to church anymore.

So, after doing my penance, I went on praying. I tried to reach deep in my soul, trying to talk to the Lord. I gently whispered, I still need You, and You know it. Please just don’t let me go further apart from You.

I don’t know. It’s been a constant battle for me to get closer to the Lord. Because I keep on repeating my sins. For example, that gambling session, with alcohols the night before Sunday morning mass. I know it’s wrong, but I still did it anyway. I’m trying to change however. It’s like I really see the light now. Haha. cliche. But yeah, I do. I sometimes smile when I’m alone because I sometimes have this out-of-body-experience seeing myself not committing any sins. ahaha. wtf.

But I can’t change who I am. But I surely can try to be a better me.

I really don’t know the purpose of this post. I just feel like typing so much. And damn, it’s only been 10 minutes blogging this! If only I can do my reports like this. ugh.

So anyway, Christmas this year, though it’ll be duller without the presence of my grandma, I’ll still celebrate it, just because it’s a day to celebrate. The birth of My Lord Jesus Christ. He’s awesome. Oh I should stop ranting now. hahaha.

21

From the last post, I promised another post with pictures, i think. haha.

So, as LAZY as I am to post in this blog today, I will anyway. haha.

*Ok, let’s just get to the post this time. I’m in the office right now and the electricity just went off and my whole post didn’t even made it to draft. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!*

So, during my 21st birthday, I totally did not expect any celebration (although I had big plans for my 21 birthday since last year) because my family is still mourning over the loss of my late grandma’s battle with cancer. It has not been 40 days, so the custom is, to not have any kinds of celebration until the 40th day.

*FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU electricity went dead again! and went up again. haish*

ANYWAY.

What happened on my birthday. Yeah sory. I forgot. Haha. When I got back from work, my mummy gave me a package and asked me to read the card. Haha. Here it is.

For you, Son. With Love and Pride On Your Birthday

Inside of it

Haha. Mummy's difficult favour.

Ok, so, that was the card. Haha. You know what my Mummy and Daddy gave me? I wasn’t even expecting anything and I don’t really like presents actually, wait. I do. I just hate surprises. haha. They gave me a Gold necklace, with a key. Damn. Means a lot to me. Thank You God for my parents. They are the most awesome people. I’m not even thankful because I received a present from them, I’m really thankful because of their presence and their love. Mummy and Daddy said to me that i should really keep this one properly and take good care of it. If I should fall back to poverty, my mummy said you can sell this. Something like that. Oh! and my Daddy said I can stop paying him for my Blackberry phone. HUAHUA. At least I paid half for the phone. hihi.

On to the next one!

Well, as I stated in my last post, my girlfriend called me that afternoon and asked if I could come over to her sister’s house in Beverly Hills later at night. So, I agreed and went there. She said she’d be there la konon. Hahaha, but in our conversation, she said “Ada barang sia kirim” at first, then she went on saying she’s in KK. Haha. Mana lah sia mo picaya tu dear Anyway, then, when I arrived there, sempat lagi sesat. But, eventually, I met with her sister, she gave a a big paper bag and inside of it was a birthday cake. Haha. When I got back home, I opened it and it was a Chocolate cake! haha. with the word “Dear <3″ I think. ahaha. My mum looked at it and said “Sepa tu Dearo”. She couldn’t tell the <3 was a <3 symbol and not an ‘O’. Hahhaha. Mummy, mummy *shakes head*

Dear <3

Then, my mum told me she bought me a cake although they won’t sing for me, she wanted me to blow off the candle cuz the candle’s pretty. ahahaha. Here’s the cake my mummy bought for me. (The candle’s really is pretty. hahahaha)

(^.^)<^~~

Okay so I did blow them both, cuz my Mummy asked me to. Haihhhh.

Nice kan? haha. Well, here’s all I got for my birthday, which I shouldn’t even be getting one IMO  cuz of my situation, but I still appreciate every single one

She told me to open this on my birthday. haha

Snow cap and a small Contreau bottle

Hahaha

Present from my cousin Girly and our bF, gaylenn. hahahaha

Oh, my Gay friend Gaylenn also gave me 1 Chivas bottle. Haha. Well, actually, it was for us. You know, cuz we wont drink that without the other. hahaha. Thanks Gay

Okay, well that’s all I got for now

I’m 21! and I’m all kinds of legal now!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTSSSSS! Cheers to the future

Cheeeeers baby cheeeeers to the future

If you made it here, Thank you for reading or if you were here to view the pictures, well, good luck! hahahahhaa.

Bye peeps! Til then! Oh, mau promo video lagi skali before you leave this post.. Help add views and click the thumbs up in the page, can? hahaha. thanks alot

21

Well hello people! This is my first time blogging through my RebeccaBlackBerry. So, let’s c how this post is gonna turn up yeah?. Let’s get it on!

So, the end of September turns my age count up another notch. I’m finally at that age. The age some dread, but it’s also the most awaited age in one’s lifetime – 21.

Wow. Don’t that make you wonder. How fast time flies. I can’t really recall any of my journey to this age. But I know for sure, it has made me the person I am today.

This 21st birthday was the awesomest 1 yet. I can’t celebrate my birthday the way I planned it with my cuzzie (who turned 21 6 days before me), cuz my grandma’s passing have not reached 40 days yet.

But the day of my birthday, it was a working day, on Friday. Wanted to take leave for the day but I didn’t anyway. Had fun in the office replying all the wishes on fb,twitter, sms, gtalk. I got temporary high reading through my fb wall. Gosh, everytime I see who posted, I remember a bit about that person’s rship with me.

What’s more sweet is, all of my best friends wished me in all possible method. One BBM that made my day, was from my cousin. She said “Happy bday to my fav cuzzie ” yes, with that ‘:D’. Made me feel honoured.

Another wish that made me ‘touchy-feely’ was when my dad sms me on 11.30 a.m. to wish me happy bday with a well-constructed paragraph. I almost cried reading it. What was bothering me was how my mum and girlfriend haven’t wished me. Hahaha.

Then, when I got back home from work, my mum gave me a package and hugged me. She said happy bday and asked me to read the card carefully. When I opened the package in front of them, there was this box. I thought it was another watch. But when I opened it, it was a beautiful gold necklace. Wow. Maybe that’s how women/men react when they are proposed or got jewelry. Haha. What I love most about that necklace was that there was a key hung to it. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to say ‘ buah rantai dia kunci” hahaha. I love it. Too symbolic for me.

So, when I tried it on, woahhh. It fits me perfectly. Apa lagi, pakai terus lah! Ahaha. Then I opened the card, the card was entitled “For you, Son” hahaha. My immediate response was “hallmark punya card ni kan?” Haha. My mumy even wrote “PS : a special favour on your bday. Please quit smoking – Mummy”. Well, I will try mumy!

I was asking them why did they bought me that cuz it was pricey, but they said that’s the last thing they could put in my life investments. So, imma take good care of this necklace. They even said when my sister turned 21 before, they also gave her a necklace.

After that, I went to my girlfriend’s sisters’ home in beverly hills. She called me that evening asking me to come to her sis’ home at night. Went there around 7.3opm, called her, got lost for some 1o mins, cuz I was parking at the wrong block. Haha. Then, when I was at the right block, was calling her, but I saw her sister coming my way holding a birthday cake box. Ahaha. Damn. I’m proud and blessed to have a girlfriend like her. Very thoughtful. She thought she fooled me, but she was the one who gave the idea of passing a package to me earlier. Ahaha. Surprise jadi, tapi xjadi juga. Ahaha. Oh, incase that didn’t made sense, my gf is way over the sea, in UPSI now. She called me to meet her at her sisters’ house. But she said she wanted to pass me a package. She gave out the surprise! Haha.

And when I got back home, they called me to blow a birthday cupcakes, saying happy bday lorenzo. Felt appreciated much by my families at my grandma’s house. They didn’t sing loudly, only to an barely audible level. Haha. But I blowed the candle anyway. Thank you Kak Ella for sponsoring the cupcakes!!

So, that was how my bday went. But secretly, I was planning to go out with my friends the day after. To keep this private and confidential, imma make another post, with password for that, to protect myself from getting scolded. Ahhahahaha. Well that’s it!

Thank you to everyone who wished me for my 21st birthday, thanks to all who gave me presents, angpows, and hugs. Thanks abundantly to my parents for the necklace and for still standing by their ‘naughty’ son. I love you guys most, you know that. Thanks also to my girlfriend who never seems to stop making me smile and be more appreciative of her. Thanks to my besties who went out with me. And thank you God for this life and journey that You have planned for me.

All in all, THANK YOU!

Ps: other pictures will be up here soon.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Rest In Peace Mama. (part 1)

Last week, on the 6th of September 2011, approximately at 9.25am, my dearest grandmother passed away, probably not in peace, at SMC, Kota Kinabalu.

She was battling a throat cancer all along. I’ve posted something about hoping her getting well before, but I’ll just write it again here. A few months ago, my grandma fainted and was admitted to the hospital because she barely ate anything for the last 2 months. Everybody thought it was a minor gastric. After the check-up, the doctors confirmed that my grandma had a tumor growing in her throat. That’s why she barely ate anything, cuz everytime she would swallow any portion of a meal, she would feel pain down her throat.

Well, that happened while I was still in UTP. I just don’t want to pick up another call telling me that the people I know, or worse, the people I love is inflicted with accidents, or died, or they have cancer. It’s the worst feeling ever.

Once I got back from Perak, I quickly learn that Kolombong would be our second home. After my grandma was discharged from the hospital, she was brought there to reside for now. More over, my aunty who happens to be retired was there to take care of her. Every night, we would go over there and pray the rosary. And yeah, I do mean every night.

There had been instances where my grandma didn’t move at all and panicked everyone. There was one time where my uncle checked on her pulse and it was either very weak or non-existence at that time. But when they call out her name repeatedly she came back.

Then came last week. I was in the office, around 4pm, where my cousin BBM-ed me. “Boy, mama muntah darah”. “Kami otw p smc”. That was it. I was watching HIMYM with roomie and when we read the message, my face immediately changed. I knew something was not right that day. I didn’t finish my breakfast, I didn’t finish my lunch and then the message came. I called up Daddy and asked about her condition, and he said she’s still being checked-up.

I SMSed my aunty who works in KK times square and asked her if she could fetch me. Then, I filled the attendance form to go out early. Upon reaching the hospital, my grandma is already lying on the bed, and she looks really weak. Her face is all frown but she was trying so hard to hide it. It was a face that we all came to know, that is the face of holding in the pain.

I saw a few times where she spat more blood out. Then Daddy told all in the room that the doctor said there are only two possible explanation for Mama’s condition. It was either because she had a wound or an ulcer in her stomach or worse, her tumor has enlarged and burst. They were gonna do an endoscopy check-up to my grandma to check the internal conditions, so she was admitted for 1 night in SMC.

We stayed up looking after her until around 1am, and only 2 person stayed to look after Mama as the others need to go back home and bath, since we all were from work. I reached home around 1.30am and after the shower, quickly rest. Then, not long after that, my Daddy knocked on my door hard and woke me up.
“Boy, mari pigi hospital. Mama masuk ICU suda”.

That was it. I quickly dressed and went with Daddy. Upon reaching, I was saddened by the news that my Grandma mentioned my name before she vomits a worrying amount of blood while we were away. Then we all took turns 2 by 2 to go into the ICU ward and look after her.

When I went in, Mama looks really weak. Damn. I feel like crying everytime I remember that moment. She was indeed helpless. Life supports all around her, even puking out her spits and bloods looks painful. I regret that I didn’t apologize to her but I was thankful enough that I was one of the fews in the family who got to speak to her in her last hours.

Well, after I met her, I felt this bad aura leaving the ICU. I feel as if I’ve talked to her for the last time. I went down alone to take a smoke to clear my mind. My Daddy even asked me after, whether I want to go to work or not. I quickly decline because I already made up my mind, what ever happens, I wanna be with my grandma there, in the hospital.

Then the sun came up. Nobody can enter the ICU anymore. Not until 8am. My aunt said that my grandma asked for us cuz she’s already “hangadon” to us when nobody was at her side. .

Then when it was time for my grandma to get her check-up, she went out of the ICU and into the Endoscopic center.

While she was brought there, I followed my cousin and aunty to the cafe. They ate while I drink. Not long after that, my aunty received a call from my Dad, he asked her to come up as the results are out. So, both of them went while I finished my drink with my uncle. Around 3 minutes later, my Daddy called me, spoked in tears, “Boy, capat lah kamu naik sini atas. Mama mo tiada suda ni”. We quickly ran up the stairs, and went into the room.

It was just like those scenes in the movies. Where the patient just lay there, motionless,and all you hear are the shouts and cry from the family members, and what’s worse is there’s that machine sound that’s flats indicating no ore pulse. I felt sick to my stomach and cried on the spot. It was really one of the worst moment of my life. She left the earth with pain in her physical being. I hope her soul  is not scarred in any way from our words and actions.

Ma, au zou nodii kosou onu ngavi booson ku kumaa diau. Nokohombus no ngavi id suang ginavo ku. Nga, siou no kozo ma, do osodu zou mantad diau tomoimo, au ku nakatamong diau id tavavasi id ontok do sumakit ko banal. Ahansan zou do nokoinsavat ko no id surga miampai zi apa kio ma.

- Rest in Peace Mama -