Argh. Since my last post, many things have happened and some things I thought never change, changed. I’m kinda disappointed with a part of myself for not being able to solve my problems the way I really should have. I kept on going with my ego, thinking things will fix themselves up on their own. Haih. And. I’ve been so bothered these past few days about these things. I’ve been wanting to blog, it’s just that this blog is like an open window that people can peek to see through me. I’m worried about that. Especially about my family being able to read these as well. I guess I just need to let things out so, what the heck. It’s only gonna be a read for them right?
Yes. I’ve been seeing a lot of myself in people I despised before. I use to say a lot of things to make people look bad. I mean, come on. Human. But then again, it’s not like I’m this devil who only say those kinds of things. I am, again, Human. I know when not to cross the line. Anyway, the things that bothers me much this days is the anger issues. I guess one of my best friends pointed it out to me everyday. I’m the short-fuse guy, but I never could admit that. This is simply because I’m also a guy who would take it all in and keep it inside. It’s just that I can explode anytime with a volcanic rage. That’s when things starts to get out of control.
Yes. I don’t like being attacked. Especially on things I know I’m right on. I refuse to back down whenever I know what is right is being questioned. And. I don’t mind being proven wrong, but the key word there, PROVEN. I really hate it when people laugh at me whenever I’m being challenge. Yeah. It’s like insulting my right to be right. It’s like saying I’m the one who always tell lies. It’s like I’m the target for their satisfaction. I don’t know. I may just be saying all these things out of anger. But that’s what I’m in right now. Anger mode.
I’m the kind of person who enjoys stress derived from hard work or long hour work. But emotional stress, now that I can’t take. I always need people to listen out to my problem. Thank God for people like Fli and Syahmi. I know I get on their nerves sometimes but at least they’re there. It’s hard to be everyone’s best friend. Now I know that. Huhu. I don’t really wanna be the one breaking friendships, cuz that’s just very wrong. Aches can heal, broken part can be repaired and broken ties can be mended. I wish I know what to say.
Again, I feel so helpless sometimes when I don’t know what to do especially when I let someone down. You seek forgiveness and yet all you get is a cold shoulder. You think it’ll go away but things aren’t heading the way you want it to be. Now, I wished I tried harder, but what if what’s lying in front of the path is only gonna consume you more emotionally, negatively that is. I don’t mind sacrificing for the betterment of the situation. It’s just that now, I’m afraid to take the risk of losing the friendship completely. Ugh. I wish I know what to do.
I need to lift this weight of my chest. It’s really burdening. I don’t like pretending, so I’ll be frank saying I’m not okay emotionally. But, I still have to put on a face that people would ignore so that I won’t have to face more complexity. Huhu. I wish it will stop already.
PS: I’m okay. Just need to voice out. really. im okay.
PS2: I’m gonna update soon. Holiday comin up. Many things did happen. hehe.