Mama

I’m just gonna go straight to what I’ve been meaning to blog since I got back.

I’m telling you. I feel out of place before, back when I was still struggling for the damned final exam in UTP when I found out that my grandma have a tumor inside her throat.

When I got back barely a month ago, I saw my grandma lying on the bed, greeted her, embraced her.

Been visiting her often since then, feeling sad everytime I see her. Trying to fight that fucking disease. I feel obligated to try to do something for her, but what can I do, it’s not in my power. I’m sure the family are trying their darnest to find the cure.

It must be hard for her. Really hard, just recently, her voice started to go coarse and now it’s barely audible unless you stick your ears to her mouth. huhu. Her cough makes her voice deteriorate.

I do feel sorry for my grandma. I don’t intend to state what my grandma did said for the past few weeks about surviving here, let’s just keep it to myself until the time is right.

Just now, I think I realised that time is really not gonna be on her side soon. I feel so defeated when I see my grandma’s condition right now. So skinny, so tired, so in pain. Why her Lord? why my grandma? huhu. But just now, I saw a spark in her when I saw her smile when I made a joke in front of her. I feel that she’s still there trying to fight that disease.

I thought realistically, she must be tired of answering the same ol’ thing to all the relatives that come visit or check up on her. “Ingkuo ko no ma? avasi di topiumanan nu di baino?” (how are you ma? You feel better now?), “Nakaakan ko no ma?” (Have you eaten ma?), “Mundong bo ma” (Rest ba ma..). I think given the condition of her throat right now, it must’ve hard for her to answer all the people’s question. Must be tiring to sleep all day on the bed only to wake up to force herself to take the medication or to answer people.

God knows how much time left that she’s got. I’m not giving up my faith in the Lord that miracles can happen, but until we know for sure, I’m gonna try to make my grandma happy. I want her to smile, to laugh. I don’t like to see her lying sad in pain. They tried all the meds but have they tried making her laugh?

God, in this life journey, you make everyone see Your power through the little things in life. I leave it in Your hand oh Lord to provide us with a miracle because that’s the only thing we could do now. I pray that at least I can make my grandma happier than she is right now.

Protect her Lord, heal her. Cover her with Your blood.

:”(

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You can fight it

Ma, pls get well soon.

huhuhu.

sedih btul tgk mama ari2 begitu. This songs says it all.

her disappearing voice, her skin & bones left, her weaknesses. oh God have mercy please.

I wish I could save u Ma, I really do.

goyoon no kotumbayaan nu..

Kerja suda sia lagi?

Hahaha!

Well, if you’re such a follower of my twitter and Facebook, you’d know that I just started on my internship today.

Argh PENAT OH! . hahaha

Damn, I wouldn’t say this was my first time working, but it sure has been a long time since I worked office hours and feeling the fatigue through my body. But I’m still pumped to blog. haha.

So, I’m interning at InnoSabah Securities Sdn Bhd with my beloved roomate, hahaha or should I say my inseparable beloved roomate, Fli. So, the first day went well actually, with nothing to do, a lot to ask, a lot of time to kill, and a whole lot of friendly people!

So, I don’t wanna talk very long (cuz I am very tired now), basically the day goes from reporting with the HR department, getting our access cards, tour around the departments inside the office (about 8 of em), got our attachment schedule to each of the department, hang around in the IT department, toured the techno room(my own term) as it was filled with technologies such as server, switches, voice logger etc etc. Then, talked and actually conversed with the people in the IT department (whom we’ll be working with til December) and got called several time to watch how things work.

Then got to lunch break with Fli and talked so long. Matai, 1jam setengah lunch break, next time I’ll go Karamunsing kot. Then, dalam office balik basically nothing more to do then just sit around reading magazines, talk with the staffs some more and then keluar menyigup, balik masuk duduk2 lagi, and finally it was time to go home. hohohoho.

Just so you know, IT department tingkat 4. And the building have no lift/elevators. ahhaha. Kurus la paha ku nanti. Harap2. haha.

Ok so, that’s it. hahahahha. punya bida post sia. pa buli buat la. panat gia. hehe.

Here’s some pix ;P

My long hair before I frikkin chopped it. ;-(

 

and here was the outcome.. :-(pfttt)

Here's my first day look. hahahaha. guuuumuuuuk

Hold On

I never really talked about the song that made people take me seriously as this “youtube” artist.

Pfft. Haha. I never really take myself as this artist everyone’s been saying I am. Really. I just wanna share this gift, this voice that I thought was really an annoying voice. I initially thought since I can sing on key, ad-lib a bit and since I can play the fundamental of guitar, why not just try singing.

Then it became quite a hit especially in my facebook. When I started tagging people, I was actually scared. I tagged only people whom I’m comfortable with, or the people who are gonna just say nice things to make me feel good about myself. Then, more and more, I feel confident to show other people.

Then, I got caught up with many situations making myself looking like an idiot when I’m always the ones feeling the worst about everything, especially in terms of the longevity of friendship. They say friends fight and make up, but when some fights are so tiring, it’s so hard to face each other and “make up” as in saying sorry and let’s move on. More and more, I become bored and tired. I slowly changed into someone I don’t like to be. Ignorant. Because people say I care far too much, I take arguments too seriously, I take friendship too seriously. As if I don’t give any space to my friends. Well, I think I do. It’s just the matter of people who judges me that way wasn’t there always, so they wouldn’t have known the entire stories would they?

So, one sunny day, I was sitting down near my house’s car porch, the wind was blowing so sepoi-sepoily and I got to thinking. I evaluated this self, I told myself I gotta change. I gotta try to let people into my life on their own without me barging in their lives. I still don’t get how I suddenly ran up to my room, took a guitar, took a pen and foolscap paper, ran back downstairs and started writing.

I wrote what I felt, I thought of what would I say to people I hold dear to my heart if they ever feel down. Because, I don’t really wanna ask em every time I meet them if they got a problem. Cuz I feel I’m always the ones asking and it becomes a routine for people to answer me that it’s nothing. Well, in all honesty, I hope every single one of you listens to the song whenever I can’t be there to listen to your problems. Whenever you guys are not really in the mood to talk but still needs inspiration from a friend, this is all I have to give.

Hmm.

It’s hard to fathom that friends you lost are the ones that were close to you. I don’t want that to ever happen again, that’s why sometimes I excluded myself in being too caught up with people, being too caring and let people feel that I’m pushing on too strong as if I must know everything. No, if that has ever crossed your minds, I’m sorry. I never really did meant it that way. Haiya.

I don’t want to miss a thing about my friends’ life stories, but I do wanna respect them that if they wanna let me know, then they’ll let me know without me asking too much next time.

Anyway, here’s the song that’s been dear,dear to my heart. =)

Simple tune
For you
To remind you
I’m here with you

I know I can’t be there, always
To listen to the problems, you faced
It’s not easy when you tried your hardest
And your best was their worst

So u cry
So u wanna die
So u try
To runaway from your life

But hold on
When your world is dark
Just turn the lights on
And hold on
Cuz if you look around
you know that you’re not alone

So they say
Go away
They don’t care
About you anyway

You feel like throwing a stone
To a place that you call home
You’re feeling all alone
And you feel that you don’t belong