Rest In Peace Mama. (part 1)

Last week, on the 6th of September 2011, approximately at 9.25am, my dearest grandmother passed away, probably not in peace, at SMC, Kota Kinabalu.

She was battling a throat cancer all along. I’ve posted something about hoping her getting well before, but I’ll just write it again here. A few months ago, my grandma fainted and was admitted to the hospital because she barely ate anything for the last 2 months. Everybody thought it was a minor gastric. After the check-up, the doctors confirmed that my grandma had a tumor growing in her throat. That’s why she barely ate anything, cuz everytime she would swallow any portion of a meal, she would feel pain down her throat.

Well, that happened while I was still in UTP. I just don’t want to pick up another call telling me that the people I know, or worse, the people I love is inflicted with accidents, or died, or they have cancer. It’s the worst feeling ever.

Once I got back from Perak, I quickly learn that Kolombong would be our second home. After my grandma was discharged from the hospital, she was brought there to reside for now. More over, my aunty who happens to be retired was there to take care of her. Every night, we would go over there and pray the rosary. And yeah, I do mean every night.

There had been instances where my grandma didn’t move at all and panicked everyone. There was one time where my uncle checked on her pulse and it was either very weak or non-existence at that time. But when they call out her name repeatedly she came back.

Then came last week. I was in the office, around 4pm, where my cousin BBM-ed me. “Boy, mama muntah darah”. “Kami otw p smc”. That was it. I was watching HIMYM with roomie and when we read the message, my face immediately changed. I knew something was not right that day. I didn’t finish my breakfast, I didn’t finish my lunch and then the message came. I called up Daddy and asked about her condition, and he said she’s still being checked-up.

I SMSed my aunty who works in KK times square and asked her if she could fetch me. Then, I filled the attendance form to go out early. Upon reaching the hospital, my grandma is already lying on the bed, and she looks really weak. Her face is all frown but she was trying so hard to hide it. It was a face that we all came to know, that is the face of holding in the pain.

I saw a few times where she spat more blood out. Then Daddy told all in the room that the doctor said there are only two possible explanation for Mama’s condition. It was either because she had a wound or an ulcer in her stomach or worse, her tumor has enlarged and burst. They were gonna do an endoscopy check-up to my grandma to check the internal conditions, so she was admitted for 1 night in SMC.

We stayed up looking after her until around 1am, and only 2 person stayed to look after Mama as the others need to go back home and bath, since we all were from work. I reached home around 1.30am and after the shower, quickly rest. Then, not long after that, my Daddy knocked on my door hard and woke me up.
“Boy, mari pigi hospital. Mama masuk ICU suda”.

That was it. I quickly dressed and went with Daddy. Upon reaching, I was saddened by the news that my Grandma mentioned my name before she vomits a worrying amount of blood while we were away. Then we all took turns 2 by 2 to go into the ICU ward and look after her.

When I went in, Mama looks really weak. Damn. I feel like crying everytime I remember that moment. She was indeed helpless. Life supports all around her, even puking out her spits and bloods looks painful. I regret that I didn’t apologize to her but I was thankful enough that I was one of the fews in the family who got to speak to her in her last hours.

Well, after I met her, I felt this bad aura leaving the ICU. I feel as if I’ve talked to her for the last time. I went down alone to take a smoke to clear my mind. My Daddy even asked me after, whether I want to go to work or not. I quickly decline because I already made up my mind, what ever happens, I wanna be with my grandma there, in the hospital.

Then the sun came up. Nobody can enter the ICU anymore. Not until 8am. My aunt said that my grandma asked for us cuz she’s already “hangadon” to us when nobody was at her side. 😦 .

Then when it was time for my grandma to get her check-up, she went out of the ICU and into the Endoscopic center.

While she was brought there, I followed my cousin and aunty to the cafe. They ate while I drink. Not long after that, my aunty received a call from my Dad, he asked her to come up as the results are out. So, both of them went while I finished my drink with my uncle. Around 3 minutes later, my Daddy called me, spoked in tears, “Boy, capat lah kamu naik sini atas. Mama mo tiada suda ni”. We quickly ran up the stairs, and went into the room.

It was just like those scenes in the movies. Where the patient just lay there, motionless,and all you hear are the shouts and cry from the family members, and what’s worse is there’s that machine sound that’s flats indicating no ore pulse. I felt sick to my stomach and cried on the spot. It was really one of the worst moment of my life. She left the earth with pain in her physical being. I hope her soul  is not scarred in any way from our words and actions.

Ma, au zou nodii kosou onu ngavi booson ku kumaa diau. Nokohombus no ngavi id suang ginavo ku. Nga, siou no kozo ma, do osodu zou mantad diau tomoimo, au ku nakatamong diau id tavavasi id ontok do sumakit ko banal. Ahansan zou do nokoinsavat ko no id surga miampai zi apa kio ma.

– Rest in Peace Mama –