Blue Christmas. I mean, Christmas’ Blue

So, I finally blog again. What a surprise.

Haha. Actually I was actually trying to type out a Facebook status, but I forgot what I wanted to type. Then I start to type out some things that were running through my mind, and end up back spacing all of it.

So, here I am. I thought why not blog.

I was really thinking just now. It’s almost Christmas day. This year, we are not really celebrating Christmas in a grand way like we do every year, in honor of my grandma who recently passed away. But that doesn’t mean I totally ignore the meaning and presence of Christmas. This year’s Christmas or rather this year’s Advent’s season have got me into a serious thinking of what kind of Catholic I am.

I went to confession the other day, unprepared. So I thought, let’s just get this over with. Go to father, tell him some of my sins and then be forgiven. Ha! Sounds like a good plan to me. Cuz I was hungry that night. But then, when I went in line, I kept thinking of what’s appropriate to tell the priest. I suddenly come to realisation, although lately I put off that I really don’t care much about my obligation as a Catholic anymore, I am still a Catholic. I still feel that feeling. I still have that burning desire to get to know my Lord. I still have that fear. Fear of my Lord.

So, as I was in line, I was already confessing to the Lord, in my heart, of course. I told Him, I am truly sorry for all my sins, to prepare me to really confess to the priest and help me be sincere in telling him. So, when I faced the priest, I just poured out my sins that I really feel bad about. Things that I didn’t even listed in my mind prior to confessing also came up and I just blurt every single one that ran through my mind. And as I listened to the priest’s advice, I really looked back on my life. How the hell did I change from that “good boy” that became the president of the Catholic Student Society of my campus, into someone who don’t even give a damn about going to church anymore.

So, after doing my penance, I went on praying. I tried to reach deep in my soul, trying to talk to the Lord. I gently whispered, I still need You, and You know it. Please just don’t let me go further apart from You.

I don’t know. It’s been a constant battle for me to get closer to the Lord. Because I keep on repeating my sins. For example, that gambling session, with alcohols the night before Sunday morning mass. I know it’s wrong, but I still did it anyway. I’m trying to change however. It’s like I really see the light now. Haha. cliche. But yeah, I do. I sometimes smile when I’m alone because I sometimes have this out-of-body-experience seeing myself not committing any sins. ahaha. wtf.

But I can’t change who I am. But I surely can try to be a better me.

I really don’t know the purpose of this post. I just feel like typing so much. And damn, it’s only been 10 minutes blogging this! If only I can do my reports like this. ugh.

So anyway, Christmas this year, though it’ll be duller without the presence of my grandma, I’ll still celebrate it, just because it’s a day to celebrate. The birth of My Lord Jesus Christ. He’s awesome. Oh I should stop ranting now. hahaha.